Unwritten
by N.Sidney
Summary: Alice's story will not go under as unwritten. How does she cope with finding out who she used to be? How will Jasper help? How did it all start?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: None of it belongs to me. It all comes from the imagination of the wonderful and talented Stephenie Meyer, the author of Twilight and New Moon

A/N: This is a project that I am doing in order to understand both Alice and Jasper a bit better...sort of a character study. I don't know how deeply I will manage to get into Jasper since I will start out with Alice: Nor do I know how far I will take this in general…I haven't really developed a plot yet, I'm hoping it will comes to me as I go.

Please criticize me harshly for I really want to become the best writer that I can be! CONTAINS/ WILL CONTAIN NEW MOON SPOILERS!

UNWRITTEN

My name is Mary Alice Brandon Cullen. That's just a name I suppose, a name tells you nothing about a person (if that's what I can still refer to myself as). But who am I? Truly…I've never really known, but lately my entire existence has become an even greater mystery. By setting light a little bit of light on my human life, my vampire existence has become even more complicated.

What a wondrous invention computers are…with everything becoming so confusing I feel the need to write everything down, to stay in perspective, to not let my life (or non-life) go as unwritten.

Let's start with one simple word, a word that I wouldn't normally associate with myself, but due to my past it is necessary. Insanity. If you look into the dictionary it will tell you that insanity means the derangement of mind. I am not deranged, nor was I ever, though I don't know that last part for sure! However if people hadn't seen me as insane in my old life I wouldn't be where I am now…with a loving family and a husband who cares for me more then I could have ever dreamt of.

I'm getting ahead of myself! The asylum, a place for the mentally ill, the insane. Why was I stuck here? For shock treatments, the ones I "needed" because I tended to see certain events happen before they occurred. I suppose that in the 17th century I would have been burned at the stake. I lived my human life in a place of darkness, never seeing the sun, sounds closer to the life of a true fictional vampire then the life that I actually do "live" as a real life vampire…Hollywood likes to glamorize, and dramatize things.

I wish I could describe my asylum life better then I can, but all that I do truly know is from the accounts of others, for I do not remember it. Weather it is because I was truly insane or because of the constant state of darkness I do not know!

The vampire who saved me from this dark prison is someone who's name I do not know, nor have I ever consciously known him…he was killed by James. I suppose he must have loved me…_la tua cantante, _my blood must have sung to him probably the way that Bella appeals to Edward. Yet James wanted me, simply because the other one desired me. He ended up being killed for making me what I am now.

Then for the first time in history did my strange talent really benefit me. Being left alone, as a freshly created vampire, could have made me attack any human that I smelled. I could have killed entire villages! But I saw what we were truly capable of…I saw my new family. Carlisle, one of the kindest people that I have ever known, I saw that there was another way of life out there.

But before that I saw something, or better yet someone, else. He was looking for me. Not consciously, for he didn't even know who I was. I saw in my vision that he was in fact one of the murderers. Yet I also saw the pain he felt, I felt like he wanted a way out…he just needed someone to show him that it was possible, someone to help him through it all.

I found Jasper in 1948. In Texas, the winter of 1948… I was looking for him; I admit that much and when I found him, sitting on top of a tombstone in an old cemetery I knew that everything would work out. He looked like a young man, but when you looked into his face you could see grief stricken eyes that held so much pain, the pain of having seen horrid things being done. His eyes were honest, yet hidden as if afraid. I found him sitting there looking like he would cry, if he could.

When I approached him he turned around looking a bit like a dog gone missing, and wanting to come home. And his hostile voice spoke, "Would you mind leaving, I need a moment."

I just shook my head and headed for the exit deciding that the best way to handle the situation would be to give the stranger his space. However when he did finally emerge, quite some time later, I spoke up, "Who were you grieving for?"

He looked up as if stumbling out of deep thought, "An old friend…someone who I left behind a here …a long time ago," his expression changed and became a bit more frigid, if that was even possible, "What do you want? I'm just passing through, if I disturbed your hunting ground then rest assured that I will be moving on shortly."

So he had most obviously noticed that I was one of them, the eternally damned. "I don't hunt, at least not what you think."

And with that we came into conversation. We talked for two days straight discussing things that we had never been able to share with anybody else, both due to the fact that we were what we were and that he was a naturally untrusting being. Those first few nights we only skirted on the topic of diet. He asked me about my life before being a vampire and at that point I couldn't tell him anything, for it was a mystery.

I learned that he had served as been as major in the confederate army during the civil war, and that the friend whose grave he had visited earlier had been somebody that had gotten a bit to close while he was thirsty. He had never managed to forgive himself for that, which is exactly what had caused him to leave Texas, and was also the sole reason for which he had come back…to say his regrets at his friend's grave. Well…that and the fact that he had started to develop a conscience. He hadn't wanted to kill anymore.

I also learned about his specialty (it had turned out that I wasn't the only person with a special gift) his charismatic abilities in his human life had strengthened making him able to influence the emotions of the people around him. Now that I think back on it, this might be the reason why I felt safe with him; he didn't want me to fear him. So I never did, even though some of the stories he old me were truly horrifying. Stories of war, death, and deceit. Although it sounded like it could have been in a book, I knew that that's what had made the shivers run down my back…the fact that this man had seen so much horror!

At the end of our long talk he just looked at me and went, "Don't mind me for asking, but why am I telling you all this?"

"Because you need me," was my quiet reply.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: None of it belongs to me. It all comes from the imagination of the wonderful and talented Stephenie Meyer, the author of Twilight and New Moon

A/N: Just a question…has anyone read my profile? (Warning: It will bore you to tears so don't.) However there is one very important thing in that profile. When you review: Please (please) put down more then, "I really liked that." If you enjoyed my story tell me why. If you didn't, or if you just find some part lacking, tell me how to improve. That what I'm here for, to improve!

Thanks so much for my very kind reviewers. I really am quite sorry for neglecting my updates. You see I just moved so it took me a while to get settled properly. Now I'm back though. So let me get to work!

UNWRITTEN

I fell right in love with him. It was a matter of a few days, and I think he felt it too. I did know that I would be able to love him forever, even if he killed humans. Yes, in a certain sense it disgusted me. But how could I snub him for it? He was disgusted with himself. It was, and still is, so hard for him. Even now I see how much he wants to give in to his thirst. He won't let himself. My brothers and my sister have speculated that he may only be doing it to please me, but I think they are wrong about that. He knows that my love for him is unconditional.

He is doing it for himself, and for our family. It becomes worse when he has to be around many humans at ones, like during the school year. Every human is a temptation, to all of us, but it's even worse for him. Sometimes I see him sitting there imagining ways to kill them. His eyes become dark, almost unrecognizable with thirst. I would have to lie in order to say that he doesn't scare me when he gets like that. "Jazz," I will murmur.

And he will normally snap out of it. Hopefully. Even the strongest of us still fall of the bandwagon. We always have a plan to get him out as quickly as possible. This is where Edward's talent comes in handy. Not only is it useful for checking in on how he's doing, but it also let's us realize (ahead of time) if something will go wrong. Nothing truly extreme has ever happened in school. Still he suffers…not just from the thirst, but also from knowing that he is weaker then the rest of us.

One can see why Edward becomes defensive when he is around Bella. I thought he was going to kill Jasper that night on her birthday. He stayed oddly calm toward him though, I think it was because Edward had just been waiting for something like that to happen. In the end it did give him an excuse to protect Bella.

Our leaving brings me to the next point in my existence. I found out more about myself. I found the Asylum my parents had carted me of to. I should probably feel a sense of remorse toward my parents, but I don't. I think they thought that it would do me good. Or at least I hope that that might have been their thought. I suppose I will never know for sure. So I will just imagine that they loved me. Times were different back then. That much I do know. There was no such thing as unconditional love for your children at that point in time.

A distant part of my family is still alive though. My little sister, Cynthia, has a daughter. She's alive and living in Biloxi. I wanted to go see her so badly. When I found out about this I wanted to cry. The feeling I got was so strong, it was true raw emotion. A part of my family was alive?

The first day it didn't sink in. The second day it still didn't sink in. On the third day, at around 4 AM, I was sitting with Jasper on our hotel bed. He was quiet and pensive, just like me. Then we, simultaneously, looked into each others eyes. He smiled. Then I smiled, and then I whispered, "I have a niece?"

He nodded and caught me into his arms. Tearless sobs were racking my body. I still cannot quite grasp why I was feeling so happy. She certainly wasn't a person who would welcome me with open arms. My family was with Carlisle and Esme. To know that something that linked me to my true parents still existed in this world? Surreal is the best word to describe it.

However I knew I couldn't visit her. What would I say? "Hello you might not know this, but I'm your aunt. Yes that's right the one who was send to the asylum."

No this was an impossibility. Just knowing that she existed made me happy though. It made me feel alive!

Along with the joyous news came great disappointment and a feeling of being truly dead. I found my grave, along with my birth and death announcement. I found out that I had basically been dead to my family from the moment I was admitted into the asylum. The date of my death and the date on my admissions certificate matched. I must say that it hurt. I didn't expect it to feel like an actual physical blow.

Did they even think of me anymore after my admission? Did they speak about me? Did they tell people where I was? Or were they too embarrassed to tell, was I dead in their little world?

I sank into a type of depression. Not wanting to believe that I had been that unwanted. Jasper tried to help me. He would sit by me, rocking my small body back and forth in his strong arms. I was sobbing again, but this time my sobs had nothing to do with happiness. He must have felt ever so hopeless, and I do feel quite ashamed of myself.

"Alice," He kept saying, "Who cares about them? They are long dead, while you are so alive, so beautiful, and so loved. I know that it seems cruel of them, but Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, and I are your family. Don't let people who didn't know, or understand, who you are get you upset."

I didn't even understand my own reaction. People know me as a positive person. I always have a smile on my lips, and yet here I was crumpled and broken by people who had died after I had been re-born. After my mind took the time to realize that the real Alice came back. I came back stronger, more resistant then before. I've always said that the glass is half full rather then half empty, that is my set of mind. It's part of who I am. And I have learned to like who I am. It's a lesson we all need to learn. You cannot change who you are, so make the best out of it.

This is Carlisle's way of life. Not only his, but it is also the life of me and my family.

Questions, comments, concerns? I hope that I didn't loose my initial "Alice" voice, because I haven't written anything from her point of view in a while.

Press that little button and give me a nice long review please!

-N. Sidney


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: None of it belongs to me.

A/N: You know what I love about reviews? They make you want to get more. So that way you write more. You review I write. What is she trying to say? REVIEW MORE!

UNWRITTEN

I heard a crash in the room above, Edward's room. Startled I looked up from the computer screen. I had been so absorbed; it had felt good to take the time to write the story down. I scrolled up. It seemed so little when it was written down. I felt just like I did after I told Bella the story. How can something that has such an enormous impact on someone's life seem so insignificant when it was told out loud?

My mind was wandering. Then I remembered why I had returned from typing in the first place…there had been a crash coming from Edward's room. I quickly got up to see what had happened. As I made my way out of Jasper's study I stopped to examine the cross hanging above Carlisle's study. Bella was right; it was ironic. Maybe even a bit ridiculous. Why would a vampire want to hang on to memorabilia belonging to a person who would never have accepted him the way he was now? Right thinking Alice, I thought. Would anyone in your family accept you? They didn't accept you when you were crazy, what's the chance that they'd accept you as a monster.

I kept walking, all the while convincing myself to stop thinking like Edward. We aren't monsters I almost said it out loud. How could anyone consider loving Esme or strong Carlisle to be a monster? No one in their right mind would! I smiled. Even people who weren't in their right mind wouldn't think of them as monsters, I thought thinking of my asylum days.

Finally I turned my thoughts to what I was actually here for. What was here? Right in front of Edwards door. There was no reason why I should knock, for he had probably heard my tumult of thoughts from before anyway. I knew he was alone to and we were closer then I was to any of the other members of our family, with the exception of Jasper. I would go in, if I could be sure that he even wanted to speak to me. He had been strangely distant ever since he found out that I truly did mean to change Bella without his permission. He was not mad, per se. Just distant. That emotional distance was worse then screaming or angry words would have been. He didn't mean to do so, I know him that well. It was his protective streak, he shuts down…reading other people's thoughts, but letting no one know what he was thinking or feeling.

"Just come in, Alice," came a tired sounding voice from inside his room. It didn't sound like him. Sure he was always brooding, but the tiredness just made him sound like he was fed up with the world and with himself, as if he wanted it all just to suddenly become okay again.

I walked in. Claire de Lune was playing in the background; he was sitting on the couch looking expectantly to the door I had just walked through. He was smiling, but it looked a bit hard. He was trying too hard.

"No, I'm not. I truly am happy right now."

Had I not seen him smile an honest smile in such a long time that I stopped knowing what it truly looked like? Pretty pathetic! He was honestly laughing now, not just a half hearted grin, but more of a real laugh. I smiled feeling like a huge weight had been lifted of me. Well that's one less problem I need to take care of.

"Stop trying to solve everyone's problems Alice," he said.

My brow furrowed, "That's not true, most of them are my problems, too! You're part of my family and Bella will be, too! I love Jasper so it's just understood that I'll help him get over the need to kill anything human with a heartbeat. And is it such a horrid thing for me to want to know who the people I was with before I became what I am now are, or were? You knew your parents, Edward. I don't remember mine, but the more I find out about them the more I think that I might not have wanted to know them," I broke of with a sob.

What did he know anyway? Everyone else's problems. I would love to be able to help other people, but I couldn't be because I was being selfish. I needed MY problems solved. Was I turning into Rosalie? Always me, me, me? What had happened to me?

Edward smiled gently, "Sometimes you have to think about yourself Alice. You are right. I did know my parents. I only had to watch them die right before I did. I only have to watch the person I love choose a life in which she will loose her frailty and innocence. That surely isn't horrible."

"See there I go again. Me with my selfishness. I know in how much pain you are, and still all I worry about myself," I was interrupted again, which was probably good since I had no idea what else I would say.

"Oh you think that I was trying to imply that you are selfish? No I wasn't because I don't think you are. I however…well that's another story isn't it? You however, aren't!"

We were quiet. He was lost in though and my mind had just gone blank. There seemed to be nothing left to say. I slowly made my way over to the couch and curled up in a corner. Then I decided to break through his reverie, "I'm sorry, Edward. Ever so sorry, but think of it from my point of view for a second. You would be miserable if you kept her human. Sure we all love her way of being human, but it's not safe and as we know…also not permanent. Plus if I hadn't decided to turn her, she would probably be dead now, same with you and me. All the same I'm still sorry, I shouldn't have crossed you."

He seemed confused, "Sorry? I was never mad at you. Sure, yes a little irritated, but all the same still glad. You're right we would be dead. Still the thing that frustrates me so much is Bella's want to become one of us. I don't know if she truly does understand what it means to be one of the eternally damned. You know that she wants me to do it?" I gave him a look; he smiled, and said "Right of course you know. Well if she won't marry me does that mean she might change her mind? Not about becoming one of us, but does she think that she might stop loving me?"

"Now I know that you are just being supremely silly! How can you think that? She will always love you, it's more then just a high school crush…you of all people should know that! Do you doubt her that much Edward? Have you maybe considered that she might be telling the truth? She wants to escape her parents wrath, isn't that understandable? I would think so. You have to much time to think on your hands, try going out with Jasper, or Emmet. They'll take you're mind of all this negative thinking. Go on. Have a boys night out with them! Or a night in, rent a dirty movie." I saw him get an uncomfortable look on his face; if he were human he would have blushed.

Right of course, this was Edward I was speaking to. He was way too much of a gentleman and a prude to even think a dirty thought. I grinned; things seemed to be going back to normal. I would have kept teasing him, if our conversation hadn't started out so strained. Who knows, maybe things will finally be back the way they were?

He stood up, "I suppose you're right…I'll go find Emmet. Maybe he'll be up for some mindless video games."

"You know he will be."

Right before he got out of the door, he paused. "And Alice? Thanks for the pep talk, it was much…needed," he seemed to remember something else," I am not a prude though!"

I missed you my brother were my thoughts as I turned to follow him out the door. Yes, things really were getting back to normal.

_One more problem I could strike of my list_.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: None of it belongs to me.

A/N: As always, just let me know what you think. Critique is always appreciated, especially since my writing has been knocked down a lot lately. Apparently serious writers hate my style, my grammar is horrid, and I make atrocious spelling mistakes.

UNWRITTEN

I softly tabbed on the door to Jasper's study- walking in without waiting for a reply. He was situated in a comfortable looking leather chair. In his hands lay a book, it took him a moment to react to my entering. Then he took the book out of his lap and spread his arms invitingly. I moved swiftly, putting my head on his strong shoulder. We didn't have to talk, for he could feel my emotions more clearly then those belonging to other people. We didn't know why, maybe it had something to do with the strong connection we had to one another. Just like I'm attuned to his future, he's attuned to my feelings.

He was slowly stroking my arms, trying to ease the wall of tension he could feel. After a few minutes my fears subsided. What did I fear in the first place? Sometimes the horror of it all takes a hold of me. The idea of what we are, it's true we try harder than most and we succeed. Imagine being a monster, imagine loving a monster, and imagine knowing that the monster you loved could do so much wrong without you ever thinking badly of him.

"Jazz," I spoke softly.

A deep, thoughtful sigh came from his chest. I knew that he was probably trying to make out what I was so fearful about. He knew that he was the only person I would ever tell thoughts like the ones I was having right then. For everyone else I was mostly cheerful Alice. Everyone has their breakdown phases, but with him I never felt self-conscious for having them. He loved me and that would never change. Just like I loved him, another thing that would never change!

I turned trying to look into his eyes; they looked back alertly, questioning my intent.

"I love you Jasper Hale, you know that right?"

His questioning look turned soft with an edge of hurt, "Of course I know that, just like you know that I love you more then anything in the world. I would die without you Alice, just shrivel up and wait for death."

I understood his look of hurt; he was wondering whether he had done anything to make me believe that he didn't know how much I loved him.

I smiled, "I know, I just wanted to tell you again. In fact, I want to tell you every minute of the day. May doubt never fill your heart, whether we're together for hundreds of years or more."

"It won't, ever. Those are not the things you should worry about. What's truly bothering you Alice?"

"I don't know, if I did I'd tell you. I just have this feeling of something being of, like our entire family has been tipped of balance. I just don't want to ever loose you."

Slight shock was apparent on his face, but he hid it well, "Loose me? Don't be ridiculous, if there is one thing you can be sure of then that is my love for you. Don't you know all of the things I have given up for you? I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. You know all this; at least I was sure that you did. Don't you?" There was the hurt look again.

I looked at the cover of the book that had fallen to the floor, 'Philosophy through the Ages' by Walter Guttmann.

Smoothly changing the subject I said, "Oh Jasper, contemplating the meaning of life again, are we?"

He knew exactly what I was doing, but since he knew me, he led it go, allowing me to move on to a lighter subject. Not lighter per se, but not as hard to talk about. He knew that I would come to him when I was ready.

"Of course- what else does a person with unlimited time on his hands do? I choose to wreak my thoughts with question that cannot be answered to anyone's satisfaction. What are your thoughts on the matter?"

I settled deeper into his arms, "Funny how we the nonliving contemplate this, isn't it? The meaning of life is to do what you love, to never do anything you regret…"

He interrupted me, "Sometimes you can't help doing things you regret doing, because destiny has other plans for you."

"This is exactly why it's philosophy, Jazz. It's hard to answer-"

"I know, but try Alice…for me?"

"The meaning of life," I said giving it another try, "is to settle. I would say die, but that doesn't truly work for our kind. Plus the thought seems too easy for me."

°°°Jasper's Point of View°°°

She was so beautiful and she was mine. To this day I cannot imagine why she would choose me, the monster. Me, the person who had taken so many lives, who still initially _wanted_ to take lives. She knows that the only reason I don't do it is because of her. Sure, I became disgusted with myself after a while for taking all of those lives, but the taste is hard to forget. I needed the blood; I craved the blood. Imagine never feeling truly satisfied and then seeing the things that could satisfy you right before you everyday. She says that it helps to think of them as people and it does, but it's still hard. The mentality I learned in the war was hard to shake of. I had to kill people then, didn't I? Yes, but back then I killed for what I believed in. Now I killed, because I couldn't control myself. I hated feeling so weak, every fiber of my being was screaming, "It's so much easier for the others. Why do you have to want to do it?"

Then what had happened on Bella's birthday. I was never going to forgive myself for it. Even though I knew that the others had already done so. In my eyes I would always be the monster that took away the lives of innocent people. Then I would see Alice's eyes; the way she looked at me with trust and devotion, trust and devotion that must be mirrored in my eyes as well.

I will admit it, I had women before Alice. She knows this. The single reason for why Maria turned me into this thing was due to her wanting me. She wanted me, so she took me. She did let me go though, because we weren't well matched. I cared about her, but never loved her as deeply as I loved Alice now. We realized this soon enough, and when she noticed how meditative I would get after taking another innocent life she knew it wouldn't be long before I left her, and the coven. She knew that it wouldn't be long before I went looking for something better.

Being with Maria can't be compared to being with Alice. The love that Alice and I feel for one another cannot be measured or compared to anything else on this earth.

I could feel her breathing in and out then, while she was lying in my arms. I could feel her emotions, a tumult of fear. I tightened my hold on her. She looks like a child, when you see how big she is, and at times likes these she was just like that, a fearful child. A fearful child I wanted to protect from anything bad, nothing would ever harm her while I was around to stop it from happening. I knew that Alice always would always feel the need to take care of everybody, but after more then 50 years of being together she was comfortable with letting her guard down in front of me and just letting me catch her.

We had been silent for a while; her nerves seemed to calm down. Suddenly she said, "Kiss me, and please make me forget."

Softly I pulled her closer to my body; feeling the ripples of emotion go through her body. I bend my head to hers and cautiously touched my lips to hers. She mirrored my motion. It was a soft kiss, the kind you wish would never end. For us it didn't have to end for we had all the time in the word. I felt her eyelashes flutter against my cheeks. A satisfied sigh escaped her lips.

We were evenly matched in mostly all things, sure I was stronger then her, but we balanced each other out perfectly. I was usually always brooding, while she was always cheerful and just happy. Even at times when her feelings would betray her toward me, she still acted happy for everyone else. We knew each other so perfectly, that we acted toward each other without thinking. Alice knows that there are times where I hate myself, where I can't be around this beautiful, pure creature I'm glad to call my wife.

I flipped her over, her small body fit on the leather seat just like I knew it would, never breaking our embrace or our kiss. We needed this at that moment; she had been brave enough to ask, as if she would ever have to fear asking me anything.

I knew how to make her forget the world around us, knew how to make her feel safe. For I loved her- and all I wanted was her safe in my arms. Forever…


End file.
